Hey everyone, I’m dealing with a lot of Self-Image matters generally I hinder myself super hectic with production and I can feign it’s not such issues but due to being quarantined it’s making me hear everything that’s wrong. I suspect here’s the back narrative 3 weeks after my 18 th birthday I started dating a person who was 25 and ex-navy. Things moved course too fast and I basically moved in with him after a month( I still had my apartment but was there everyday) brain you this was my first ever relationship. Everything was good until it wasn’t. For months I would wake up to him telling me nobody will ever affection me, I’m a disgusting fatten b ***. Then it started get physical I showed my desecration to him in the beginning to prevent him from triggering me but then he would reenact it on me for reward, all I would discover is you need to go to the gym you glance far worse, he eventually began stripping me. He didn’t work because he had his pension and I did grocery give. So he was with me 24/7 and I couldn’t get away. He eventually had a schizophrenic break down and tried killing me. I left him and tried to move on but I fell to sections, I met an amazing errand and friends but I started stripping myself, it to be translated into me not feeing for around 90 eras and I wound up in the hospital because they concluded I was having a heart attack but it was just stress prompted. I lost 80 pounds from it and resumed a regular nutrition and everything was normal. Then I matched my next sweetheart who at the time was my roommate and in a drunken night we hooked up and started dating for around 1 year. The first 3 months were great yk the honeymoon phase but then he started becoming command, he became mentally abusive going through the debris insuring what I would devour and squealing at me because he fantasized I was chiselling meanwhile I was steadfast. He invested security cameras so he can watch me when I got home from slog and listen to my phone calls, and if he heard me complaining about him he would freak out and scare me he took control of my life and my coin. Eventually after a year I left him but we still had to live together until I closed on my townhouse. Every morning if I was wearing a dress to work he would call me a fatty sut and trash like that. Fast forward to now I can’t look at myself and think I ogle good. Some eras if I’m alone and not hectic I exactly feel empty-bellied, I’m not chilled or uneasy, I’m really here I’m alive but I feel nothing, I’m not scared of anything. I’ve had a coworker say when they see me cross the street it looks like I’m trying to get hit. It’s really hard trying to date, I haven’t had any chaps I’ve been on a year with commendation me or anything so I’m my fucked up head it’s a reminder who I am I’m just disgusting. When I get out of the shower I can’t even look at myself without drapes because it angers me. I stopped doing my makeup because no matter what I do I don’t think it’ll meet me glance good. I can’t even go shopping for charming drapes because I just think why would I spend money on this to look good when no matter what I won’t inspection good. I only wanna look at myself and think I’m beautiful for formerly. This month I went to the doctors for the first time and told them my starving floor on how I actually lost the weight and was diagnosed with a anorexia nervosa. I’m 20 years old and have never felt so broken, I don’t know how to fix it.
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